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Jonnie

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[05 Dec 2009|08:19pm]
I'm at the point in the middle where the hesitation from going one direction or another is so gripping that you almost can't speak, or do anything but grunt, close your eyes and just leap.

If either direction is forward, I suppose it doesn't matter, but damn..
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[03 Dec 2009|11:53pm]
I wrote this email to my entire band, regarding our studio time, and so far, only Chas has gotten back to me. It's only been about an hour, and below, is entirely what I wrote, and entirely what Chas responded with. I am proud to be a member of this band. I'm proud to know all of these guys. And I'm proud I've put my future in their hands.

I wrote:

Ok, guys, we're getting down to the wire so on the technical front of things, we all need to be practicing as much as possible at home, on our own time, and as well, we need to be practicing and making use of every minute of our full band practices, like we did last Sunday. I think we all agree that as tedious as it might've been to go over "Never Forget" for as long as we did, it was very beneficial, and very important. Not tedious as in painful (Chas), just tedious as in we didn't really take a break, and we didn't run over most of the new songs for the EP. But we've got FIVE practices left, and they need to count, in every way that a practice can count. This portion of my lecture ends here though, as Chas is our resident Technical Supervisor.

Regarding everything in this email, I urge you to speak up now, or forever deal with whatever circumstances force us into as project manager. This is your chance to voice your thoughts on everything that is said within this email.

This brings me to my next point -- EXPENSES! The studio time comes with expenses -- I have everyone's portion for the studio deposit right now, and it's deposited, as I already sent the check before I had everyone's money, haha. The total for the studio time was $1,680. We have already sent in $420 (Make your stupid fucking jokes, Dirk, hahaha) as our studio deposit. That leaves us with a remaining balance of $1,260 to be paid off within the first day or so of the studio. Since Doug is promising to go above and beyond for this EP, for us, I would sincerely like to pay him in full, up front, on the first day of recording. Or at least by the end of the day. He actually said we didn't have to until day two, because that's where our rate-per-day is covered for, by the deposit. But again, first impressions, you know?

That means everyone needs to have $252, ready and raring to go, by the time we enter the studio.

But what of our hotel and living accomodations?? -- Fear not -- I did some research, and actually reserved a room for us at one of two hotels within a 30 minute radius of the studio. The place is called Lockport Inn and Suites, and you can check out their website for yourselves at www.lockportinnandsuites.com The place looks VERY fucking nice. Let me reiterate -- VERY. FUCKING. NICE.

Here's a rundown of feasible options for us, to sleep "four people" in a room in their hotel, for seven days. I say "four people" because we are sneaking Bailey and Myke (videographer for the studio diaries) into the room. I say seven days, because we will want to be there the day before we enter the studio to ensure that we're there on time, and prepared and well rested for day one. We'll want to be packed up and checked out, before we leave for the final studio day on January 3rd, to save us from having to pay for another night, which is not an option for Nick, and myself, due to work. So seven days is our total number of days. The best I can offer us, is six days, and that's ONLY if no disasters happen to us on the way to the studio -- and keep in mind that in Lockport New York, they'll have already been getting lake effect snowfall for about...oh, since a month ago. Is saving $25 worth the risk of being late to the first studio day? You be the judge and get back to me with your thoughts.

Getting to the point, the difference in these prices, and prices for a room that sleep six people (six people is our actual number with Myke Vollero filming us the entire time), is an additional $70 per night. Listed below is a rundown of the cost per room what that room entails, and what that amounts to for each of us in parenthesis beside it. All prices are listed WITH TAX INCLUDED, to prevent any confusion later -- I confirmed with the innkeeper (keep in mind this is a family run housing facility). All rooms come with the obvious standard hotel accommodations ((bathroom, small end tables, a few chairs, etc)).

Room #1: $121 per night gets us two (2) queen beds, plus a sitting/living room area, and then standard hotel accommodations. ($170 /each for the week)

Room #2: $110 per night gets us two (2) queen beds only, with standard hotel accommodations. ($154 /each for the week)

Room #3: $100 per night gets us two (2) double beds only, with standard hotel accommodations. ($140 /each for the week)

In my personal opinion, I think for the extra $30 each that it would cost us as opposed to the $140 for the two double beds only, we should opt for the two queen beds, with the sitting/living room area. If you would rather pinch pennies, and do the two double beds only, with standard hotel accommodations, I understand, and will not put up an argument regarding it. I just want everyone to be happy with the hotel we choose, and I think the more space for six dudes in a room, the better. Now, regarding New Year's Eve, Lisa has offered to pay for a room for the girls, so we can all have a good time and not worry about angering the hotel management.

Now, the above being said, it's important to stress that our room choices listed so far, only allow us to accommodate four (4) people, so we will need to be on our ABSOLUTE best behavior. I don't want them finding out we have six dudes in there, and kicking us out, or risk anything the sort. Our only option for accommodating six people, is a leap to the first and lowest suite price of $185 a night, for 7 nights. That's a jump from $170 for the week, that each of us is responsible for, to $276 for the week, that each of us is responsible for. Keep in mind, these are finalized numbers, with tax included.

Now, below, to save everyone the trouble of having to do the math to determine exactly how much money they will need as of the night we arrive at the hotel, to give to me to handle the business end of our studio visit, I have compiled yet one more list of the final expense numbers. These numbers will not reflect the money you will need for your own personal expenses (KFC visits for Nick, money to order pizzas, drinks, booze, and anything else. Nick, there will probably be snowboarding places nearby. Regarding booze, real quick, I suggest we keep this to a minimum. Not only are we in need of too much money to be getting shitfaced at all hours of the day while we're at the studio, we should be very diligently focused on the production of this EP, not getting wasted and dicking off non-stop when you aren't recording your parts. Dicking off is partially what got us into our Chin Music Studios situation in March (Nick and Dirk and I know how that trip went from Day One, until we were finished). Without further adieu, here's the final expenses list for essentials, at the studio:


Studio Time + Room #1 = $422 /each

Studio Time + Room #2 = $406 /each

Studio Time + Room #3 = $392 /each

And to put things into perspective, I'll include in this list, the price for the low end suite as well:

Studio Time + Suite = $528


That's a jump of an extra $100 a night per person, for the week. But again, keep in mind that this doesn't include our actual living/recreational expenses, while we're there.

I reserved our room on my credit card from Sunday, December 27th, through January 2nd. Meaning, on the morning of January 3rd, our asses are up at 7 am, packing and getting ready to vacate that room by 9:30am, so we can check out, and get to the studio for our final day of recording.

As I said before, I opt for Room #1. I would rather spend an extra $30, and be in a room that has a living area to sleep the extra two people that we aren't technically supposed to have in the room, than to be in either Room #2 or #3, without that space.

Please get in touch with me as soon as possible. Our other option might come through when the other hotel in the area calls me back, but to be completely honest, I don't think $422 per person for both our lodging, and studio time, is a bad deal. Especially for seven days. But again, it's important that you voice any concerns here.

I would also like to go on the record to say that by sleeping six people in Room #1, we will only be doing what my mother, and probably most of our parents have been doing since we were little, if we were taking a trip with them. So while ethically wrong, it's not exactly morally reprehensible, and it would save us an extra $106.

I await all of your responses. Dirk, please print this email, to show to Bailey, and to have around your apartment for future and personal reference.

Gee guys, feels like we're in a signed band, with all of this important reading getting done, and these important decisions being made, hahah.

Last but not least, my final announcement -- Chas wrote the first verse and prechorus to What The Hell Is A Jiggawatt, and it is phenomenal. We tinkered with it tonight, and there are already some great ideas flowing forth from the both of us. I'm writing the second verse, as soon as I send this message. Dirk, so you know, this song is slated to be played at about 220 BPM, so if you're click track practicing at home (which you should be) -- that's your tempo. Chas' homework as Technical Supervisor is that he is finding out what the appropriate BPMs for each song should be.

I won't see you guys at practice tomorrow, but stay focused! Five more days, of practice, then we have a week off. Then it's game time! Be excited!!!

--
-Jonnie



To which, Chas responded:

Thanks for the thorough email, Jonnie. I hope you know how much we appreciate you working out all of these plans for us.

Nick and Dirk (and Bailey, thru Dirk showing this to you), I thank you all for your patience last Sunday as we worked on Never Forget. It sucks to work on the same thing over on over again, especially without a break; the last thing I want to happen is for us to get sick of the song before it's even done. That being said, I think it's very important to make Never Forget a fun song for all of us to play. Like I texted Nick and Bailey earlier this week, I have some cool parts for the two of you to play in various sections of the song. Now that we have the groundwork done, it's time to layer on the fun and create an entertaining masterpiece that's as fun for us to play as it is for our fans to listen to. We're going to push ourselves as musicians on this one and have fun while doing it. I'm going to bring all I've got to the table for this one, and I encourage you all to do the same.

That being said, rest assured that we won't be going over Never Forget the whole time. I'd like to go over it quickly at first, explore some new parts, and then give equal attention to our five songs (Jigawatt, The Hollow (Tasty Licks), The Fight, Winter, and Never Forget) for the rest of practice. What we're going to focus on tomorrow is perfecting the tempos of our songs. This is especially important, considering that the varying dynamics of our new songs (which are good things) lend themselves to us fluctuating in tempo throughout playing them. We want to get into the studio fully prepared when it comes to timing, so we can have as strong and complete of an EP as possible. Please understand that this is certainly not an issue of drums only; both guitar parts and the bass part have to be locked into the proper tempo as well, especially when we are playing alone without drums to keep the beat. I've figured out the BPMs for each song, and tomorrow we're going to be playing to a click track through the PA system. Hopefully, this equal attention to each of our EP songs tomorrow will be refreshing and add some variety to what we need to accomplish.

To end my technical rant, I'd like to say that I'm very happy with the progress we made last practice. Our mix was excellent, our playing was very tight, and the fact that we can sound so good in our practice space will be truly invaluable when we get in the studio. As musicians, we are reaching that level where we realize that every little nuance of our sound is in our own hands, and that we don't need to rely on the studio or a soundguy to get that sound we want. The DIY mentality is obviously integral for a band trying to make it, and this is just as true when it comes to our sonic quality. If we keep on this path, we're going blow away the Jan 30th show (and all shows thereafter) with a performance that not only is true to the studio versions we'll record, but better in their own unique ways. If we keep this up, we'll truly, truly have something to be extra proud of as musicians. Also, along with the hard work the four of us have been working on as instrumentalists, Jonnie and I totally busted our balls as vocalists to nail our harmonies for the acoustic show at Hot Topic. The work we put into that will translate directly to our full band performances, and is another improvement we can look forward to showcasing.

As far as rooming goes, I'm definitely down for choosing Room 1. Being in the studio is probably going to be our most fun experience with this new GBC lineup yet, but it's also going to be hard work. If paying that little extra increment in money means extra hotel space that gives the 5th and 6th person a place to get a decent night's sleep, then I think it's totally worth it. We can do a rotation, or something, where we switch between sharing beds and crashing on whatever couches/etc. will be in the living room area. It's important that we're well rested so we can give it our all in the studio, and use our costly time wisely.

I'm really excited for what we have in store guys. Let's come out swinging at practice tomorrow and get a great head start on these last 5 practice sessions. If we get our 5 songs to a good point tomorrow, we'll have plenty of time to come up with that 6th song. While I have plenty of pre-written song that can eventually become GBC material, I've been working on a new song (that I've showed you guys snippets of in past practices) that we can all add to and I think fills the perfect niche for the 6th spot on the EP; this way, we'll all be a part of the arrangement process on this one. It's a good mix of heavy and melodic, of driving and catchy. It's called Pathetic, but it will show that we are the complete opposite of that as a band. If we make good progress tomorrow, I'm looking forward to sharing it on Sunday. Either way, can't wait till tomorrow. See you guys soon!

-Chas

PS: Everyone, write back so we can all be on the same page for what will be a busy but rewarding month!








I can't describe in words how great it feels to be chasing my dream.

I feel really sorry for Stephanie, for not taking the time to spend with herself, after our break-up, to figure out what her dream really is. And for not taking the time to distinguish between what it really is, and what's really just a cop-out to avoid being a disappointment to everyone.

There's this song that fits our end to a 'T' (whatever that means). It's by Paramore, and it's called "Feeling Sorry"

I'm posting lyrics for the first time in a long time, it feels.

"We still live in the same town, well, don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places, not even a trace of you..
Your days are numbered at 25.
And I'm getting bored waiting 'round for you,
We're not getting any younger, and I
Won't look back 'cause there's no use
It's time to move forward!

I feel no sympathy,
You lived inside a cave!
You barely get by
the rest of us are trying,
there's no need to apologize,
I've got no time for feeling sorry!

I tried not to think of what might happen,
When your reality, finally, cuts through.
Well, as for me, I got out and I'm on the road.
The worst part it that this (THIS!), this could be you.
You know it too, you can't run from your shame!
You're not getting any younger, time,
Is passing by, but you waited awake..
It's time to roll over!

I feel no sympathy,
You lived inside a cave!
You barely get by
the rest of us are trying,
there's no need to apologize,
I've got no time for feeling sorry!

And all the best lies,
They are told with fingers tied!
So cross them tight,
Won't you promise me tonight
If it's the last thing you do, you'll get out..

I feel no sympathy,
You lived inside a cave!
You barely get by
the rest of us are trying,
there's no need to apologize,
I've got no time! Got no time!

I feel no sympathy,
You lived inside a cave!
You barely get by
the rest of us are trying,
there's no need to apologize,
Got no time!

I've got no time for feeling sorry!
I've got no time for feeling sorry!






I play it every morning almost, on the way to work. It bleeds into something that reminds me of total closure.
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[29 Nov 2009|03:04am]
You're not perfect. You're struggling, and you're hoping no one finds out. But the leak and crack has already grown to great proportions. I hope you learn before it's too late, that you can't outrun your destiny. And he can't create one with you, if it's not meant to be.
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[27 Nov 2009|05:49pm]
In other, non-band related news, work said as long as I keep myself neatly trimmed, I can grow my goatee back : )

That is awesome.
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[27 Nov 2009|05:48pm]
One month from now, I'll be somewhere in Lockport, New York, running over last minute adjustments to the music we'll have all but polished and ready to be studio-ized. That's one month to finish writing two songs, with the tentative third being a complete idea when we're done fine tuning it.

The EP is tentatively titled "The Roads We Will Travel"

I think I made it up as a means to show the great places this band will go once this record is out. Great places big, and great places small. When I listen to the content of the lyrics to the album, I get the idea that I may have been onto something much bigger than the surface meaning of the title.

The songs, in as close to official order as possible are:

1. Intro **This may get dropped**
2. Winter
3. The Fight
4. What the Hell is a Jiggawatt?
5. The Hollow
6. **we have several tracks vying for this position**
7. Never Forget

Intro This has been a great idea to have, and a curse at the same time. This is the opening of the CD. The first thing you hear when you put it in your CD player. The first thing there to grab your attention and make you decide if you want to stick around for the rest of the EP. Chas has been working on this track relentlessly to make it all it can be, but I'm afraid that studio time might be too short for actually accomplishing this track. I think we'll save it for last, to ensure the actual content-packed songs (ie, lyrics, melodies, harmonies, etc) get finished before we leave the studio. If we want to have a written intro badly enough, I think we can book another day on a weekend, and go up and finish the introductory track before we press and start distributing our EP.

Winter has some pretty powerful lyrics. Simple and to the point, but like I've said recently, I've really been connecting to them, as a byproduct of Stephanie and I's end. Figures, the song just popped on Winamp.

The Fight is about reconnecting with home, when you're away from home. Missing loved ones, or a loved one specifically. That touches home with me on a lot of levels, especially my time in Japan. I'm excited when we play this one, because it's very driven, and very, very, very positive -- all the while, it stands out as a very catchy song, with a great hook. In fact, the chorus is longer than the verses are. Which is unique, and perfect for the way the song works.

What The Hell Is A Jiggawatt? is sort of anthem-like in nature. It's got a lot of potential, and I've really only just begun to tap into it while working the vocal melodies. I foresee this song becoming the new Agent Ellwood, which is fitting as Nick wrote them both, essentially, in structure. More on this one, as it develops.

The Hollow is a song that I wrote and actually posted here in my LJ, several weeks back. I named it, but even that might change. In the meantime, it's obviously another song about a girl. I'm trying to avoid letting it overtake the EP, but really, the songs become whatever you interpret them to mean. This one hits me at home because as raw as it is, it's very emotionally charged, and very driven in a very heavy way. Very dark, very eerie, and very moving. The lyrics have changed, and the bridge is a lot more speech oriented.

This Track Isn't Completed Yet Chas has a few tracks completely written out, lyrics, general drum rhythms, bass rhythms, and even rhythm guitar, to coincide with his leads. I sent everyone in the band a set of lyrics I had written again, a few weeks back, and Nick wrote a song around them. It's got slow-song written all over it, but essentially, while it may not be a song you'll want to listen to all the time, it is a song that you'll connect with, when you connect with it, and you'll never let it go for the rest of your life. We most likely will have this song finalized by the end of Sunday's practice, but again, more on this one as it develops.

Never Forget is the first power ballad in the history of The Groundbreaking Ceremony. It's exciting. The song is very beautifully written, and very low key in terms of music, so my vocals are meant to sort of shine through here. The lyrics are written, and the melodies for the duration of the month, will be tweaked and modified until this song of epic proportions is finalized.




And there you have it. These songs touch a lot on the theme of love, but there are these other suggestions that you find in songs like What The Hell Is A Jiggawatt? and The Hollow</i> that touch on more than just love pains or adoration. That's why this next track is so crucial. It has a lot riding on it, namely the balance of the EP. The intro works a little bit to offset everything, but in a lot of ways, if we don't have lyrics for it, or we have to go back to do it at a later date, it pushes back the release date, and holds things up for us, a little bit. The sooner we get this bad boy rolling, the sooner we can start getting shows booked, look into a publicity deal, getting ahold of a reputable touring agency, distribution and a PR campaign. Not to mention, the sooner we can begin to submit our press kit to labels.

It's really hard being patient, when a few hundred dollars could set this firecracker off.
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[24 Nov 2009|02:44am]
First night to myself in a while. The past week or two have been pretty hectic with everything in my life, basically.

I think I'm close to making a commitment to a girl I've been seeing -- well, seeing more than the other girls. I'm scared.

I think it's too soon, still. She really spoils me and takes care of me. And she loves doing it. But it feels wrong.

I'm not in too deep to get out, if I wanted to, but I could see things getting there soon. I haven't really spoken to Stephanie about anything of note in the past two weeks. Just a single, solitaire text here and there. It feels like the pain has started to subside. It's not all gone, but it's getting there, and for four years of my life to have washed down the drain like that, all things considered -- I feel pretty damn well.

I'm really tight on money because of the "whatever-the-hell" problem my organs were suffering from. I'm barely going to make my bills this month -- if I do at all.. I feel screwed.

All of this, so I can ride on a chance.

I hope I end up, wherever it is that I'm heading.
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[18 Nov 2009|01:23am]
The List )
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[18 Nov 2009|01:11am]
Colonoscopy tomorrow. I'm not nervous, but I don't want to do it.

I just want to be held. I just want sleep.

At least I can sleep when I'm alone.
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[17 Nov 2009|02:17pm]
I feel a whole lot less guilty about all of the times I cheated on Steph that she didn't find out about. At least not yet. I'm sure something will trickle through the grapevine sooner or later -- but I'm glad that at least somewhere in my head and in my heart, I knew it would never last with her and I. I guess this is all a part of my road to recovery. Being honest with myself and being strong enough to see things as they were, and as they are now, and not regret the things that happened.

I've been seeing a few girls lately, and I've let them all know that I'm very much so not looking for anything steady or serious. It feels good to be able to talk to calm, sensitive women that are able to give a semi-objective opinion on where I am in my heart, when I spill it to them.

I was talking to one of them last night, who's previous relationship lasted for seven years, and we talked a lot about our pasts. How we met our ex's, where things started going wrong -- why we fought so hard to make it work. It was awesome to have such a cathartic outlet, and to be able to confide in someone and have them fully understand.

I know there are parts of me that still care for her, and they surface more than I'd care to admit. I also know that when I look back at the bad, and focus on the bad, the anger and hurt that swells up inside only makes me hurt less. I appreciate our end, and I'm thankful for the chance to do some things right with my life, finally.

I totally called the bullshit flag on her wanting to be friends. And I was right. And knowing how right I was about it, relieves me from wondering if I've been right about anything else regarding her. I may not be on some things, but I know that more often than not, I am. She texted me randomly last week, after I said I was officially done dealing with the bullshit from her, and asked me "are we ready to start taking this friendship seriously", as if I was the one who wasn't. Eat a dick. Eat a whole bag of 'em. I tried taking seriously what you were trying pass off as a friendship in the most half-assed manner I've ever seen. It got me nowhere. And it sure as hell didn't give me any answers. I must have asked a hundred questions, and only got answers to the easier ones. If you can't figure it out in your little head -- then you aren't ready. After that text, I got a follow up that said "Forget I said anything. Good luck with your band." What a fucking joke. I know damn well she doesn't care about my band. In fact, me being in it did nothing but drive her away because of how seriously invested into it, I am.

So what was the point of texting me? Because I said I was serious about not talking to her anymore? It's time to move on. She was right. I'll give her that. I'm done caring about it anymore. And I'm sure as hell done wondering where she is, and what she's doing with Justin, and if she's blown him yet, and everything else. It just doesn't matter. I'm getting blown by other girls. I'm going out and doing things with other girls. Why should it bother me if she does shit with Justin. The principle of how their coming to be pissed me off -- but again, I slept with plenty of girls during my tenure of dating her, so really -- one is kind of like a slap on the wrist if you think about it.

I toggle between writing about the situation to explain myself and vent and breathe, and then writing as if I were writing to her a lot. It helps me finish my thoughts and get me the rest of the way through my tugged heart strings.

I don't hope for anything for her and Justin anymore. I will confront him if I am ever face to face with him, but I sincerely doubt he'll let that happen if he can avoid it. They're both cowards -- and in that right, perfect for each other. I don't wish them happiness. I don't wish them sadness. I'm just kind of empty from it all.

Three's this Saosin song off their new album, called "It's All Over Now". There's a line in it that runs through my head from start to finish like a broken record.

I can't hear your heart beating anymore, no
I can't hear your heart beating anymore, no...

It's all over now
What am I going to do
With all this time I set
Aside for you (aside for you)

I won't be needed now
To pick up the phone and call you
Like I'm supposed to know
You were all alone


I guess it's hard for me to think that the longest relationship I've ever been in, not only ended, but that I was really just another piece of her chain, in a long cycle of failed relationships, and her clinging to the next one. It's kind of tragic, isn't it? Or maybe it's just perfectly written this way. There are probably a million different sayings that sum of the idea that everything happens for a reason, and you don't know why until you're ready, or until it's time. The best I've ever been able to do, to deal with this kind of waiting, is keep myself busy until I don't realize how much slips away.

Kat's trying to get me a job at The Olive Garden with her. I'm going to go warm up the bike and take it in for my application filling out process, and hope I get a spot interview. I'm ready to start making leaps and bounds to get completely out of debt by May. I want to go on tour. I want to leave this place behind to see new places and faces across the country and maybe even the world..

And even if I don't get to do anything else I want to do, and everything falls apart -- I'll be able to leave here and never look back.

I hate it when this home becomes a heartache..
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[14 Nov 2009|08:10pm]
Has your idea of the perfect romantic partner changed with age? Do you think we can teach ourselves to desire partners who are better for us or are we constrained by the laws of attraction?

What a good fucking question. I know my idea of the perfect romantic partner has changed with age, but as for the rest of the question, I'm still learning.
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[14 Nov 2009|03:27pm]
The show last night was a success. It was Bailey's first show ever, and Chas' first show with us. And we had an awesome after party. My voice was spot on, and I felt great. A few blips, but we treated that show as a dress rehearsal for Sunday's (tomorrow's) show at the Crocodile Rock in Allentown.

The big battle of the bands is tomorrow. If you read this and can come, the doors open at 6pm, and it's going to be an AWESOME show, from what I can gather. We hope to see a ton of faces there.

Wish us luck!
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[13 Nov 2009|11:21am]
So now they think it might not be my gallbladder, but rather, a gall stone that is stuck in a duct somewhere. I went in at 9am for a CT Scan again today, to see if the results show a growth of any kind. Plus it was full body, so I had to drink this nasty cocktail. Twice.

I'm ready for this to be over.

113 presale tickets to our show tonight, on Friday, the 13th. I'm pumped. Sick, but pumped.
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[11 Nov 2009|01:59pm]
So I have an infraction in (on?) my gallbladder, and that's what's been causing the problems. I have to get surgery -- not sure when, or where, but it'll probably be soon. If I have to, I'll live off vicodine for the next four days, just so I can put on a great performance. If I won't be healed before Friday's show, that is.

Man, what a fucking ridiculous last two weeks.
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[11 Nov 2009|07:14am]
I was in and out of the hospital last week a few times, and admitted for two days, at the end of it. They performed on me a barrage of tests, all of which led to no answers. I went in because I was going through these weird and new upper middle abdominal pains, and all of my tests came back excellent. Blood work -- excellent. Ultrasound -- excellent. IV Radiation test -- no problem. CT Scan -- showed nothing. But before I went through all of those tests, and right before I went into the hospital, my mother shared with me that none of my relatives on my mother's side of my family, over the age of 21 basically, has their gallbladder. When I described my pain to the doctors, they all seemed to agree unanimously that it could be my problem. But they never tested it, specifically. Just everything else, generally.

All of that aside, and believe me, I'm ready to burn the hospital down at this point, they're testing me this morning in less than three hours to see if it's my gallbladder.

I have two very important shows this weekend. If it's my gallbladder and they remove it, I'm going to be in sad fucking shape. So even if it is my gallbladder, I need to make the appointment for them to remove it for sometime early next week. And I've got no idea how long it takes to heal from that procedure, so how do I make it through work next week?

How do I pay my bills? Let alone my hospital bills?

I'm pretty stressed, and I'm sure it isn't helping that I'm worrying about bills on top of things.

No real answers to be found on the love life front. Nothing really new. Guess we'll see what develops there.

I need to get better.
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[10 Nov 2009|04:32pm]
So The Groundbreaking Ceremony won the battle of the bands for PAC SUN's PAC TOUR, in Allentown and in State College. The dilemma? They aren't allowing any opening acts in the State College area. Just the touring package. After we promoted for the last month and a half or so. It's really pretty frustrating.

The good about it all, is that we won Allentown as well, and have to battle it out this Sunday. And even if we don't win, in no way did we feel like a shoe-in going into this battle. We're going to have our work cut out for us.

Check out the list of bands we're competing against:

A Golden Era - http://www.myspace.com/agoldenera
Dive - http://www.myspace.com/dive
From the Balcony - http://www.myspace.com/fromthebalconypa
Open Ravine - http://www.myspace.com/openravine
From These Heights - http://www.myspace.com/fromtheseheights

And then us, The Groundbreaking Ceremony - http://www.myspace.com/gbcrock

These bands all have their shit collectively together. We're battling it out with five other bands that are genuinely every bit as invested in this as we are. How exciting is that? Our work is cut out for us, and we couldn't be more honored to be sharing the stage with roughly 25 other dudes, doing their absolute best to live the dream.

I wish us all the best of luck. I feel good about Sunday. Win or loss. And selfishly, I can say I've never felt that way before in my entire life. I'm just... breathless. Excited. Proud.

Music is a powerful tool.
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[10 Nov 2009|12:13am]
I don't really know what else to say about a broken heart that basically had its fill of being that way.

Steph says "We're finished, ok? You blew it"

Yeah, I guess that about adequately sums it up. She constantly throws the "I didn't like who I was when I was with you."

So odd, neither did I. In fact, I encouraged you to change your dispositions to become more happy with yourself. Now there's just too much going on for her to realize that she's done nothing to fix her situation. Just prolonging the inevitable.

I'm sooooo mad that Kevin was right. And I'm not. It's nice to know I'm not alone in dealing with her bullshit. So now I'm the enemy, and we were just bad for each other.

Mom called me tonight. She met Lisa at the hospital when she came to visit and I was there. She took the time to think and called me tonight to lecture me. She read the texts I was sending to Stephanie while I was in the hospital. I was scared. I was in pain. I was also weak. I missed her. I honestly wanted Stephanie to come and see me, but she could probably think of a good five or six reasons to get out of 'being able to'. Work, tired, whatever. That's what almost four years got me. The thing that pisses me off most, is I'd have come running if she said she was in the hospital.

We expect the love we feel we deserve.

At any rate, Mom met Lisa, and off the top of her head, and in one impression, told me five things that she absolutely loved about her. I at first was nervous about what would happen if Steph found out I was pseudo-seeing someone with two kids, who was also five years older than me. Then I remembered, she's dating a total piece of shit and finding contentment in it. She knows damn well that he's not her soul mate, or who she wants to spend forever with -- at least not yet -- and probably not ever. If I know one thing about her that well, it's that her smile tells everything about her, and right now, she couldn't feel any more fake. She's faking it to get over me, or faking it to avoid being lonely, or faking it to avoid taking me back, and all the while, I should've just been letting this shit go. I was doing the same thing she was. I hope that half as much as I vent and am upset with where things turned out, especially if Justin is getting the newer, better version of Stephanie, after I had to suffer through the Sloth of Stephanie, for four years, that she feels like I do about everything. In that sad and mopey sense. I hope she just leaves me the hell alone.

I don't need her in my life, and as much as I want her to be, the way I want her to be, even if we aren't dating, is so far away from anything she's capable of giving me. Even if what I wanted her to be was realistic. A friend.

I won't do it. I won't be her friend. It's obvious that it can't happen this soon, and honestly, after all this time, I'd rather just never see her again. There's no point. Regardless of who she is as a person, or who she might be becoming, or who she might become -- I shouldn't care if my eyes ever grace hers ever again. We had a shitty run, at a shitty period in her life, and even if she becomes the world's best person tomorrow, it happened after she was with me, and I never got a piece of that pie. She can blame me as much as she wants. I still blame her. And she's still as fickle and false as she was when I first met her. The love I grew to have for her kept me hoping that she'd grow. Grow up. Grow out. Grow in any way that would show she was serious about a commitment with me. And she half-joked about wanting a ring? -- for what? She didn't deserve it. I'm done pushing all of the bad out, because I want the good to bring her back. It won't.

It's over and she's gone.

I think someone told me the other day that she left me. Are you serious? Whatever makes you sleep at night, hunny. We split on mutual terms because we acknowledged we were unhappy and wanted to work on things from a distance. Find a way to reconnect if possible. You wanted to work on things by sneaking around behind my back so you could get a piece of that oh-so-sweet Justin Santillo pie. Go fuck yourself, snake. She thinks I didn't see it coming? After four years she finally made an actual effort to cheat on me, and she didn't think that would throw up some red flags for me. Fuck yeah, I flew to Florida. And the best part about that, is we did everything while I was down there. Played mini golf, visited all of the parks, partied in hotels. I got the best tour, and for free because Kim works there, and she wanted to give me a break from the bullshit I was dealing with. The best part about doing everything while we were there? -- that we did it all before she will with Justin. See the wizard's cap from The Sorcerer's Apprentice? Saw it first. Tower of Terror? First. The Aerosmith rollercoaster? Sat in the back with Kim and didn't think about you for a second.

The more I think about where I was a night ago with everything, and the more I think about my future -- the more I feel the build up in the song "Winter" that we're recording in December, meaning something to me. I always aimed to please while you shot to kill. That build up brings me so much hope. For things to come. For our end to be final. For my life to go on.

I thought I was bitter before. I was just rightfully pissed. I gave you the chance to get the best of me, and you tried to feed me bullshit. For four years.

If I was pissed at anyone -- it should've been myself. I should've left in year one, and better than that, I should've never let her into my home. I gave up some of the best years of my life for a girl who didn't care what she might be ruining for me, because she had no idea how to fix what she was ruining for her.

Lie to me. Lie to your sister (I know you did). Lie to your parents. Lie to yourself.

You're not my problem anymore.

It could be a long road to recovery from here. Or it could just be this.
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[08 Nov 2009|11:28pm]
I hate her so bad for not being a better person.

I hate even worse, knowing she feels the same way.
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Reader's Digest [08 Nov 2009|07:56pm]
A Dear John letter, to a girl I once loved. It reads something like this..


I can't respect your friendship, Stephanie. You only want it on your terms. That's not a friendship. That's you not wanting to deal with me being gone for good, so you keep me dangling along, so you can have your cake and eat it to. If we're finished, ok. I will move on. But I can't pretend I'm ok with being your text message "bud". I deserve more than a few reluctant texts a week from you. After four years no less. And if that's too much to ask, then you're only serious about wanting to stay friends. Not about wanting to put in the work it would take to make it happen. And like it or not, I have questions I want answers to, and I have feelings that deserve to be fulfilled.

I'm not sticking around to get the leftover moments you can't share with Justin. Or to keep a past alive that was killing me too.

The sad thing is, you could really change. But you don't. I'm emailing you the conversation I had with Bobbi, only on the ground that if it ruins anything between you and I, then it really ruined nothing. I hope you don't hold it against her for seeing the same things about you that everyone has been seeing for at least the last five years.

I hope you find direction in your life, instead of just comfort. Who knows, maybe you are destined to just be a housewife, and have someone rich taking care of you. Or maybe you're destined to make the world your own. And make choices for yourself -- even the hard ones. Either way, everyone that matters can tell that it won't happen with him in the picture. You let whoever you're with hold you back. And when it's over, you've always got them to blame.

You need to break the cycle, and I hope you learn how to do it.

I'd wish you the best of luck, but you need way more than just luck.

I hope you don't turn out like my mother -- 40 years old and finally figuring out that you need to make some choices and decisions in your life. She asks me about you a lot. She cares about you. And if you ever decide to grow up and finish your degree, instead of killing your career building days as a stripper, call her. Drive and see her. Or send her an email. She wants to help you get into school again. You have no idea how bad. ((with no connection with me, no less))

I hope you wake up soon. Your best windows aren't open forever.

Goodbye.
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[03 Nov 2009|07:57pm]
If anything good has ever come out during heartbreak, it's been my muse to write.
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[03 Nov 2009|04:56pm]
The roads are wet
As I drive towards the darkness
and my eyes are set nowhere on the road
And I would bet
Driving towards the darkness
Your eyes are not missing me at all

A cigarette explodes behind me in the dark..

I can't fight to be a part of you and
I'm tired of fighting to hold on
After four years of fights
I'm ready to become
four years strong


The roads are dark
as I drive with another
and my mind tells me something isn't right
Not one remark
as I drive with another
They see my eyes lack any kind of light

The windows roll up and I'm alone..

I can't fight to be a part of you and
I'm tired of fighting to hold on
After four years of fights
I'm ready to become
four years strong


The car pulls up
And I look out over town
I know that after fighting all this time
That I give up
I can't keep you around
I realize I'm dying with this inside

I close my eyes and cast another stone..

I can't fight to be a part of you and
I'm tired of fighting to hold on
After four years of fights
I'm ready to become
four years strong

I can't fight to be a part of you and
I'm tired of fighting to hold on
After four years of fights
I'm ready to become

four years strong
four years stronger
four years strong
four years stronger
four years strong
four years stronger..
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